1 – The decision to date following the death of your spouse is a profoundly personal and often challenging one.
Your personal grieving process is unique to you alone. No two people undergo the exact same experience – not even family members grieving for the loss of the same person. And there is no defined timeline for when you should or shouldn’t “get over it and move on”. While it is commendable to consider the feelings of others, the decision to start dating again is yours. If you want. And – keeping in mind that there may be pressure from someone who has an interest in you – when you want and with whom you want.
2 – Grieving is a process.
Before diving headfirst into the world of dating after the death of your spouse, it’s important to recognize and understand the process of grieving. Grief is a complicated experience, covering a wide variety of emotions such as the initial shock of the reality of death, denial – you know it happened, but you can’t believe it, anger – at your spouse, at God – guilt – for having such feelings, for being the one who survived, sadness – there is a hole in your heart big enough to drive a truck through, and finally, acceptance. As mentioned previously there isn’t a prescribed timeframe for you to navigate through these stages. Everyone’s personal journey is unique, and it is not uncommon to go from one stage to another, then back again over and over. You probably won’t go through them 1,2,3 etc. It may be 1, 2, 4, 2, 1, 3 … Each member of the family is probably at their own stage in the grieving process. You won’t be in sync with one another. So don’t be surprised if not everyone is enthusiastic about your decision to start dating. What may be the right time for you might not be a time when your children are ready to accept it.
It’s important for you to allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve fully prior to considering becoming involved in a new relationship. Hurrying into dating before you are ready may hinder your healing and create complications further on down the road in your new relationship. Be patient. Give yourself enough time to recover.
3 – Welcome change.
Once you take that big step and begin dating after your spouse has passed away, it will require embracing unpredictable changes and coming to terms with the fact that your life has taken a new and very different path. This adjustment may mean you need to rediscover or perhaps even reinvent your identity, take on new interests, and adjust personal goals for yourself rather than as one half of a couple. Difficult as it will be, this could present you with an opportunity for personal development and self-awareness.
4 – Rediscover yourself.
Among the challenges you will face when you begin dating again after years, perhaps decades of marriage is rediscovering yourself. Who are you now? For all those years, your identity may have been interwoven with your spouse’s. Discovering your own path now is a crucial step toward restoring yourself emotionally.
Take some time. Examine and evaluate what you want to do with the rest of your life. Some of the things that were of interest to you before you may want to carry along. Others, maybe it’s time to discard. Taking part in activities that bring you enjoyment will help rebuild yourself from the inside out. Think of it as not so much creating a different you, but as upgrading, rebuilding a newer, better version. A chance to be who you want. Your personal growth will help you lay the foundation for a healthy, genuine relationship with a new partner.
5 – Honor and respect the past.
As you set out on a new, potentially romantic time in your life, it’s important to remember and honor the legacy of your late spouse. Acknowledge the significant role they played in your life, while giving yourself permission to move on. For myself, even though I am not in a romantic relationship, I still think of the song “Gentle on My Mind” when I think of my wife.
I had to take break. I hadn’t cried in a while, but that brought on the tears. I’m back now.
There is no reason to stay stuck in the past. In fact, it’s probably not healthy. But I think it’s good to acknowledge the role our spouses played in shaping who we are today. Remembering the love and experiences – both good and bad – we shared contribute to a better perspective on relationships in general.
6 – Communication with Family and Friends
At some point, inevitably, you will need to communicate with family and friends regarding your decision to date. I remember the day several years ago, I think it was about eight months after my wife passed away, when an attractive woman invited me to join her for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. I told my daughter I was going. My daughter was grown, in her thirties. She assured me it was fine, but I couldn’t bring myself to call it a date. I wasn’t ready. I said I had an appointment.
7 – Some children, regardless of their age may have varying feelings about your decision to date again.
Dealing with these feelings openly and honestly can encourage understanding and hopefully some degree of support. Remember, they may be somewhat protective of you and just want the best for you. My mother died when I was about to turn twenty-five. I was married and out of the house by then, but I wasn’t ready when my dad began dating two months after Mom died, and was married within five months of her passing. He married a fine woman, who was good to all of us, but for me it was too soon. But Dad being Dad, he didn’t see the need to wait. And it was his decision to make, not mine.
Dad was clear about his intentions and reassured us that dating in no way diminished his love for and memories of Mom. So, even though he didn’t need or ask for it, we gave him our support and welcomed his new wife into the family when that time came.
8 – So when exactly is the right time?
It’s an individual decision. There is no cut and dried answer, and a number of factors may influence this decision.
9 – Pay attention to your own intuition and judgment. If you are open to the idea of connecting with new people, it might be an indication that you are now ready to consider the possibility of dating. But if the thought of it still feels overwhelming or awkward, it may be a sign that you’re just not ready yet, and you need more time. There is no agenda, no schedule you have to follow. When you are ready, IF you are ever ready, you will know. Family, friends, and potential suitors need to understand and respect that. And it is your right to insist that they do.
10 – Online Dating: A New Frontier
We are well into the 21st Century now, and meeting people online on the popular dating websites is fairly common. Online dating websites offer those of us getting back into the dating game after the death of a spouse a convenient and more or less easy way to find prospective partners. It’s also a way for people to misrepresent themselves, so proceed with caution.
First thing you will do is create a profile that represents the real you, and, please, be honest about your past. That’s what you want and expect from the people who you want to meet, isn’t it? It goes both ways. Some people may be comfortable sharing their grief journey in their profiles, but others may opt to address it later on, over time when getting to know one another. Go with what feels right for you. You can always update or amend your profile later.
11 – Everyone has different experiences with online dating. I personally found that not everyone will respond when you reach out. That’s fine. The idea of going on a first date after the death of your spouse can be both exciting and maybe even a bit frightening. Here are a few pointers to help you feel your way through it:
12 – Be Honest: You have the right to expect it from the other person, and they have the right to expect it from you. You don’t need to mention every detail of your life story on the first date, but being open goes a long way toward building trust. I met one lady who had a great personality, but she was an habitual liar. She lied to her 90 year-old father about how we met (“He’s old school and doesn’t believe in online dating.”) She expected me to go along with the lie that we met when we worked together (we never did). She would meet up with me for lunch or a movie and say she had told him she was out with her friend Susie. She told me about some lies she told her sister. And then she told me a big lie, and that was enough. As much as I had grown to like her, she just wasn’t wort the trouble. I let her know that she may not respect me enough to tell me the truth, but I respected myself enough to expect it, adding, “You and I are done.”
13 – Manage your expectations: Your first date could trigger a wide variety of emotions. Not just for you. The other person may be struggling as well. Be patient. Both you and your date are in uncharted territory. Go slow and go easy on yourselves. Of course, if the other person is a jerk, you are free to leave at any time.
14 – Choose a comfortable public place to meet: Select a location that makes you calm, relaxed. It might be a casual coffee shop or a familiar café. Being in a relaxing environment can eliminate some of the stress.
15 – Pay attention to what the other person has to say. Communicate. Be a part of the conversation. Share what you are comfortable sharing.Effective listening is an important part of any relationship. Make an effort to understand your date’s point of view, and then share your own thoughts.
16 – Welcome new, positive encounters: Take advantage of the opportunity to appreciate new experiences and build memories. You may find that you are finally able to shift your focus from your past life to the hope of a bright new future.