As the surviving spouse of an invisible divorce, you have a shared history and possibly raised children together with the deceased, but the bond that once held you together as a loving couple no longer exists. Although some couples in this situation find a way to continue to love one another, there might also be feelings of resentment or – perhaps just as bad – passive indifference.
After a “Legal Divorce”, when an ex-spouse dies, it is not uncommon for the surviving spouse to experience deep grief. Family and friends might wonder why – they were, after all, divorced. I suppose the reasoning is, “Why did you divorce if you still cared about one another?”
The term for it is disenfranchised grief, and it applies to situations such as this, to losses that are not publicly acknowledged, socially supported, and openly mourned. It’s a complicated thing and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. We are each entitled to grieve in our own way.
We grieve because we love, and it doesn’t matter how the relationship ended. You can’t just turn off your love for someone because you couldn’t live together in harmony.
We can continue to love someone for life regardless no matter how we parted ways. Grieving the loss of a marriage due to divorce, means grieving the loss of the future together. So, when one’s ex-spouse dies it is actually quite normal to grieve the loss of what might have been.
Perhaps even more complicated, if the surviving partner has undergone what is often termed an “invisible divorce” – manifested by emotional detachment, estrangement, or unsettled differences – the grieving process takes on a unique and multifaceted element. Grief is layered with a multitude of conflicting emotions, unanswered questions, and regrets forever unaddressed. It’s like you are mourning two deaths. The physical death of your spouse, which everyone knows about, and the death of your marriage, of which only you are aware, and cannot share because of what people who don’t understand might think.
Grief in the Shadow of Estrangement:
When death destroys the fragile balance of an invisible divorce, the surviving spouse is thrust into a vortex of feelings that defy easy description or labelling. On the one side of the coin, there is the profound loss of the person you once dreamed of sharing your life with, until death due you part, the anguish of separation … and on the other side of the coin is the void that remains in their absence, the weight of unfinished business, unresolved conflicts, and things we should have said that will be with us forever. Or until we move on.
One of the defining features of grief in the context of an invisible divorce is the pervasive sense of uncertainty and inconsistency. Grieving spouses may find themselves wrestling with opposing emotions – mourning the loss of their husband or wife while at the same time lamenting the loss of the relationship itself. There may be an overwhelming sense of loneliness, magnified by the realization that the emotional connection they sought was never fulfilled.
The grieving process may be made further problematic by a sense of guilt, regret, and remorse – feeling the need to take the blame. Replaying scenes and conversations from the past, struggling over missed opportunities or unspoken apologies. If they had done more, might the relationship have been salvaged? Could the emotional distance that drove them apart have been bridged?
Invisible Divorce and Complicated Grief:
Adding to the degree of difficulty is the burden of complicated grief, which often shows up in the aftermath of an invisible divorce. Complicated grief is characterized by its prolonged and debilitating nature, whereas conventional grief follows a more predictable trajectory of mourning and eventual acceptance.
With regard to an invisible divorce, complicated grief may appear in any of a number of ways. The grieving spouse may experience intense feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment toward their deceased partner, struggling with unresolved issues. Important needs remain forever unmet in the wake of their passing. It can be difficult to reconcile so many conflicting emotions, alternating between love and resentment, forgiveness and condemnation.
And there is the guilt one feels for personal failures during the marriage. Guilt for the way one felt and continues to feel about the now-deceased spouse. Guilt for being relieved not to be married now. Guilt for not missing the spouse. Guilt for dating, for even considering the possibility of starting over again with someone else.
Besides the guilt, there is likely confusion because of the love still felt. For some, there is an inability to commit to someone else for fear of going through the same roller coaster ride all over again with yet another person, leaving them emotionally unavailable … wondering if they were the problem. Trying to assess a percentage of blame. Was it 50/50? Or 60/40? Which of us was the 60 and which the 40? Easier to just say 50/50 and leave it at that, probably.
Facing the reality of being alone for the rest of your life.
Facing the reality that the older you get, the less appealing you are. Old, poor health, inability to do things like before.
Thinking ‘If you can’t have an affectionate, loving, physical relationship, what is the point?’ or ‘Anyone who appeals to me would not be attracted to me, and vice versa. Younger women would only want my money.’ and ‘We all have baggage. Why, after a long, invisible divorce, would I want to carry someone else’s baggage until I drop dead?’
Likewise, complicated grief may be intensified by a sense of disqualification – the feeling that their grief is not valid or worthy of recognition. The surviving spouse may feel it’s hard to find a sense of belonging or validity within the scope of mourning. Their grief may be downplayed or even overlooked by others, further intensifying their sense of isolation and separation.
Navigating the Path Toward Healing:
Despite the complexities that come with grieving the loss of a spouse in the framework of an invisible divorce, healing can occur. One must be prepared to confront and process the numerous emotions that accompany grief and commit to self-examination and personal growth.
In order to heal, it is crucial to acknowledge and validate one’s grief. The surviving spouse must understand that their feelings are in fact valid, regardless of the status of their relationship with the deceased at the time of death. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide an opportunity to express feelings openly while working to resolve concerning issues.
It is important to cultivate compassion and forgiveness for oneself. The mourning spouse must free themselves from the yoke of guilt and regret, acknowledging that they did the best they could, given the circumstances. Practicing self-care, engaging in hobbies that bring joy and fulfillment, and developing meaningful connections can foster a sense of renewal following a devastating loss.
Moreover, finding meaning and purpose during and following grief can be a transformative experience as they channel their pain into a stimulus for growth and personal renovation. By incorporating the lessons learned from their experience and honoring the memory of their departed spouse, they can move on toward healing and completeness.
It is true that the scars of an invisible divorce often run deep, but that does not mean that they need to define the entirety and meaning of one’s life.
Making meaningful transformation requires one to summon up courage they might not realize dwells within. Learning to treat oneself with the same compassion they would gladly give to others, combined with a willingness to confront the complexities of loss head-on will fortify surviving spouses. Going forward through difficult times with perseverance, resilience, and the support of others, it is possible to emerge from the fogginess of heartache and grief into the brightness of healing and hope.
Navigating the Shadows: A Guide for Widows and Widowers of Invisible Divorce
Addressing unresolved emotional issues
As the surviving spouse of an invisible divorce, you face a unique set of challenges. You have, after all, experienced a dual loss. You lost your spouse, but before that you already had lost the relationship. You need to find a way to deal with the emotional roller coaster you are now forced to ride, characterized but not limited to the following:
Lingering emotional detachment
Self-Reflection and Healing
Embracing the grieving process
Acknowledging and addressing unresolved emotions
Rebuilding a Sense of Self
Rediscovering personal interests and passions
Fostering personal growth and self-love
Rebuilding Relationships with Family and Friends
Nurturing existing connections
Building new relationships
Honoring the Memory of the Deceased Spouse
Preserving Positive Memories
Creating a legacy of love and resilience
Cherishing the positive aspects of the relationship
Redefining Identity
Embracing new roles and responsibilities
Creating a life of purpose and fulfillment
Unveiling the Unseen Struggles through shared experiences can be therapeutic.
Emotional Residue from the invisible divorce will be something you may carry for the rest of your life, so it is important to understand and develop a coping strategy for dealing with the aftermath. It might be good to find someone to talk to. A friend, a therapist. Maybe join or start a Facebook group for widows and widowers of invisible divorce. (I did a quick search and found nothing. So maybe it would be a good thing to start such a group.)